Rewinding to where we left off: I started Week 2 a bit of a mess, if I do say so myself. Some unfinished business at staff house left me a bit preoccupied when I went out into my communities. A phone call from Senior Staff in the middle of the week made me (pretty irrationally) feel like I wasn't being trusted to do my job. For some reason, I was being asked a lot of questions that I felt like I didn't have good answers for, which stressed me out on top of thinking about these other things that were also out of my control. The whole time, I was on edge, thinking that at any moment I could make a really terrible decision and get myself or volunteers in trouble. I was under the impression, after leaving for route on uncomfortable terms with a few staff members and after having received the phone call in the middle of the week (that seemed like a big deal in the moment, but really wasn't), that I had a lot of explaining to do when I got back to staff house. The stakes of my job and the responsibility that I have this summer really hit me hard; unlike any other time prior this summer, I had a moment of panic when I remembered just how many people are depending on me to make smart choices.
I got homesick for the first time; my life would be stress-free right now if I just hadn't done this, I thought. I needed someone to tell me I was doing a good job, that my feelings were valid, that I had made the right decisions, even if it wasn't true. When I got back to staff house, I couldn't figure out how to start talking to people about my emotions, so I just didn't for a while, and people noticed. Others in the house were angry at for some of the same reasons I was, and I was feeding off of them.
While being coaxed to discuss issues with my directors, I had a realization: I was not handling my discomfort and stress well. I was too nervous to talk about it because I didn't want anyone angry and I really didn't want my problems to be deemed ridiculous. But something that has been stressed a lot this summer, obviously, is giving and receiving feedback in a healthy and constructive way, so I decided to challenge myself to be open. It took me a while, but while half the staff was still up brooding at midnight on the first night home last weekend, I sat down with my Project Director and tried to tell her everything that was on my mind. I was nervous to hear what she had to say, and I was also worried about the reaction I would get when I gave her the feedback that I felt was necessary for me to feel supported. But it felt great to be honest, and she seriously took what I had to say into account. It showed throughout the weekend, too, as personal issues between staff members were resolved quickly after. In addition, throughout the weekend I was pushed--in a good way--to make decisions confidently and to take things into my own hands without a second thought. "Why should I be doing this?" turned into "Why SHOULDN'T I be doing this?!" basically overnight.
That weekend, I organized with my communities the ordering, pick-up and transportation of project materials to their respective work areas. I went with community leaders to hardware stores and troubleshooted issues that arose with money, missing construction supplies, and other random hiccups that honestly seem much bigger than any 18-year-old American should really have the privilege of dealing with. Throughout the process, I was really appreciative of the brainstorming I could do with my Project Director-- she made it so clear that I was capable of doing everything I needed to do and that she could support me without making decisions for me. She trusted me to do all of this, and while I imagine that was true from the beginning, it was really clear to me all of the sudden. Because she made a point to show that she was confident in me and support me in problem-solving when I needed it, I left for Week 3 refreshed and ready to do my job better than ever.
Just between this week and last, I feel myself growing. I am so much more comfortable giving people feedback and communicating openly. I obviously still feel a great deal of responsibility weighing on my shoulders, but I don't feel like I'm being watched or like I have to explain every move I make. I am trusted to do what is best because I know the communities, I know my volunteers, and I AM qualified to be asserting myself.
This week was lovely. Almost all project materials were taken care of, but of course not without issues arising here and there. But I was able to avoid thinking "if _______ hadn't happened, then I wouldn't have to go out of my way to _______," and rather just considered each extra errand I had to run as part of the process. It felt good not to be bogged down by silly things that don't matter; I am learning to be more flexible. I have a lot to improve upon this summer still, and I am excited to actively solicit feedback and push myself to be a better teammate and leader for the rest of my time here.
I am so happy, and it feels so great.
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EDIT: Here's a map of the AMIGOS work area this summer! Staff lives in Matagalpa-- the communities I visit are El Jocote, Lagunita, Agua Fria and Santa Cruz de la India.
:>D
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