Growth and Progress

The past two weeks have been nothing less than a whirlwind. Time has passed so ridiculously quickly here; moving between communities daily and then just starting the process all over again each Tuesday makes weeks feel like days and days feel like hours. Last week especially, the flying time meant feeling rushed, overwhelmed, not thorough, and often at fault, both at staff house and with my volunteers. This week, lessons learned, it meant excitement, productivity, making confident decisions, feeling pressure to succeed, and pushing my volunteers and communities to do the same.

Rewinding to where we left off: I started Week 2 a bit of a mess, if I do say so myself. Some unfinished business at staff house left me a bit preoccupied when I went out into my communities. A phone call from Senior Staff in the middle of the week made me (pretty irrationally) feel like I wasn't being trusted to do my job. For some reason, I was being asked a lot of questions that I felt like I didn't have good answers for, which stressed me out on top of thinking about these other things that were also out of my control. The whole time, I was on edge, thinking that at any moment I could make a really terrible decision and get myself or volunteers in trouble. I was under the impression, after leaving for route on uncomfortable terms with a few staff members and after having received the phone call in the middle of the week (that seemed like a big deal in the moment, but really wasn't), that I had a lot of explaining to do when I got back to staff house. The stakes of my job and the responsibility that I have this summer really hit me hard; unlike any other time prior this summer, I had a moment of panic when I remembered just how many people are depending on me to make smart choices.

I got homesick for the first time; my life would be stress-free right now if I just hadn't done this, I thought. I needed someone to tell me I was doing a good job, that my feelings were valid, that I had made the right decisions, even if it wasn't true. When I got back to staff house, I couldn't figure out how to start talking to people about my emotions, so I just didn't for a while, and people noticed. Others in the house were angry at for some of the same reasons I was, and I was feeding off of them.

While being coaxed to discuss issues with my directors, I had a realization: I was not handling my discomfort and stress well. I was too nervous to talk about it because I didn't want anyone angry and I really didn't want my problems to be deemed ridiculous. But something that has been stressed a lot this summer, obviously, is giving and receiving feedback in a healthy and constructive way, so I decided to challenge myself to be open. It took me a while, but while half the staff was still up brooding at midnight on the first night home last weekend, I sat down with my Project Director and tried to tell her everything that was on my mind. I was nervous to hear what she had to say, and I was also worried about the reaction I would get when I gave her the feedback that I felt was necessary for me to feel supported. But it felt great to be honest, and she seriously took what I had to say into account. It showed throughout the weekend, too, as personal issues between staff members were resolved quickly after. In addition, throughout the weekend I was pushed--in a good way--to make decisions confidently and to take things into my own hands without a second thought. "Why should I be doing this?" turned into "Why SHOULDN'T I be doing this?!" basically overnight.

That weekend, I organized with my communities the ordering, pick-up and transportation of project materials to their respective work areas. I went with community leaders to hardware stores and troubleshooted issues that arose with money, missing construction supplies, and other random hiccups that honestly seem much bigger than any 18-year-old American should really have the privilege of dealing with. Throughout the process, I was really appreciative of the brainstorming I could do with my Project Director-- she made it so clear that I was capable of doing everything I needed to do and that she could support me without making decisions for me. She trusted me to do all of this, and while I imagine that was true from the beginning, it was really clear to me all of the sudden. Because she made a point to show that she was confident in me and support me in problem-solving when I needed it, I left for Week 3 refreshed and ready to do my job better than ever.

Just between this week and last, I feel myself growing. I am so much more comfortable giving people feedback and communicating openly. I obviously still feel a great deal of responsibility weighing on my shoulders, but I don't feel like I'm being watched or like I have to explain every move I make. I am trusted to do what is best because I know the communities, I know my volunteers, and I AM qualified to be asserting myself.

This week was lovely. Almost all project materials were taken care of, but of course not without issues arising here and there. But I was able to avoid thinking "if _______ hadn't happened, then I wouldn't have to go out of my way to _______," and rather just considered each extra errand I had to run as part of the process. It felt good not to be bogged down by silly things that don't matter; I am learning to be more flexible. I have a lot to improve upon this summer still, and I am excited to actively solicit feedback and push myself to be a better teammate and leader for the rest of my time here.

I am so happy, and it feels so great.

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EDIT: Here's a map of the AMIGOS work area this summer! Staff lives in Matagalpa-- the communities I visit are El Jocote, Lagunita, Agua Fria and Santa Cruz de la India.

Route Week 1: Done!

For me, this week marked the REAL beginning of the summer, what I came to do here, what I'll remember when I leave. For the first time, I traveled to each of my communities and actually saw volunteers in action, gave them feedback and suggestions, dealt with their diarrhea and homesickness (I can now discuss my and others' bowel movements/other bodily functions with the same comfort and ease that I talk about what I had for dinner last night. And, don't worry, everyone is alive and well!), and was able to really start connecting with volunteers and community members. This week, I think, was even more empowering than survey.

Things that made my heart leap with joy this week:

1. Sleeping in my exceedingly awkward "portable bedroom" in random people's houses.  This is one of my least intrusive and uncomfortable set-ups of the week.  I wish I had gotten pictures of them all!

2. Seeing volunteers with their host families and partners and knowing that they are--or soon will be--closer than they ever imagined.

3. Everyone--volunteers and kids--getting SO excited about educational activities and games.  Also, volunteers working healthily together and stepping out of their comfort zones.

Of course, there are some lows: taking sick volunteers to the clinic, chasing people around to collect things and get work done, having to take responsibility for so many things, being expected to know the answers almost all the time, living out of a camping backpack (surprisingly stressful) and generally being unsure-- I'm still so new at this and every day scares me a little. But I actually think that's good (which goes without saying). And nothing can compare to the feeling of arriving in each community and being greeted with the most ginormous smiles and hugs from volunteers and community members alike who are genuinely overjoyed to see me. I love the work and I love my volunteers and I love (almost) everyone else. ;)

Today will be errands, errands, errands. Sending mail, buying volunteers' forgotten items, meeting with staff and partner agency, exchanging money at the bank, other little things. And tomorrow, we'll be off again to begin Week 2!

Quick, Warm, Fuzzy Update

Our 59 volunteers (including three nationals) arrived on June 28th to begin a 2-day briefing on the 29th. We were so thrilled to finally welcome the volunteers to Nicaragua, and were teeming with energy at the airport as we got as close to the glass customs doors as possible waiting for everyone to arrive. Briefing itself had its ups and downs; as fantastic and as close as our Project Staff is, the whole week was high-stress and things certainly got more tense than we would have liked at times. Personally, I really surprised myself by how confident I felt as I facilitated activities, and how effective my training and advice really were. It's only the very beginning, and I can already feel myself growing as a person. It's lovely.

Since January, I've known that I'd be in Matagalpa at this time, and I knew that I'd be assigned some communities and have a route and have volunteers to train and support. But everything was just hypothetical--I was learning to lead a dozen blank faces and a group of rural locations that were fabricated by my imagination. Two days ago, as the Project Staff pieced together partnerships and community placements in one long, tense, nearly-all-nighter, those empty spaces in the picture were filled--and I am literally overjoyed. The nine volunteers I'll be overseeing this summer are some of the most insightful, articulate, thoughtful, capable and energetic people I've met in a long time, especially of their age. I really admire each one of them. I think they really do respect and look up to me as their supervisor, too, which will make for some fantastic work and healthy relationships.

My route (The Velawesomeraptors...!) and youth counterparts from all of their communities!

And to boot: we're getting a new supervisor tomorrow afternoon!! Meaning all of these extra responsibilities that many of us thought we'd have to take on this summer will be lifted off our shoulders. It is encouraging to think that at this exact time last week, I--well, all of us--were essentially panicking; right now, I, at least, couldn't be a single bit happier. I am looking forward to a (hopefully) relatively smooth summer of bragging about what awesome stuff my incredible vols are doing in their communities!