If you want to be happy in a million ways....
Thankful for where I am and what I have this Christmas.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
The Results Are In
As everyone knows, mind juices flow most freely in the wee hours of the night, which is why I have chosen to begin penning a comprehensive post-Ecuador reflection at approximately 12 am. In case you're wondering what's going on in this brain now that it's all over....
On the Reasons Behind It All
I decided to take a year off before college on my 8-hour flight home from Paraguay in the summer of 2009. I reflected on my experience there with an acquaintance of mine, Keah (who will probably never know that our conversation that day dramatically altered the course of my life), and basically explained that I had no idea it was possible to be so deeply affected by...anything. I told her that those 6 weeks in Paraguay had been by far the most difficult of my life; I so frequently had no idea what I was doing, had no idea what to say, and I was so ridiculously far out of my comfort zone that someone or something put me on the verge of tears nearly every day. But I connected with such emotional intensity to the community I worked in and I loved that I could feel that way while also making other people's lives a little better. I learned that, despite cultural barriers and differences, there is a sameness in all of us. I was aching for more. I knew I had acquired a very unique perspective on the world and had grown more in that month and a half than I had in my 17 years of life beforehand. When Keah said she couldn't wait to continue learning about the world but "maybe just not in a classroom," I was immediately sure that statement applied to me, too.
Keah introduced me to a powerful quote by Thoreau: "How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." After hearing those words and thinking about them for a while, I decided that I really wanted to see and feel things firsthand before I sat at a computer writing essays and making claims about topics that I didn't know intimately. I realized that I didn't have to go to college just because it was the next logical step. I chose the path less traveled. I was thirsty for the passion I had found in cross-cultural connection, in trying crazy new things, and in sharing my extremely good fortune with people who aren't necessarily blessed with it.
On Expectations
I chose to volunteer in Ecuador for much longer than I'd ever been away from home before, anticipating 4 months of real emotional investment on my part and serious cultural immersion. Selfishly, I chose a Spanish-speaking country in hopes of becoming truly fluent. I wanted to work with children, so I found a program that did so. Once my plans were confirmed, I looked forward to my trip with giddy anticipation. I left Paraguay with an empty feeling, in a way, and I was so thrilled to have the opportunity to fill my heart with that kind of passion for a second time. I was certainly not expecting the same things from Ecuador by any means, but was definitely expecting to feel extremely motivated and passionate about my work there. I was also expecting to meet and easily bond with people from other parts of the world that shared my values, and that excited me so much.
On Reality
But when have I ever made accurate conjectures about the future? Right. Never. So I get to Ecuador on August 14th and, yeah, I'm practicing my Spanish, within the first few days I've met people from 4 different continents, and have learned to (more or less) navigate a foreign city. The work was good. But the lifestyle that had been laid before me wasn't too engaging. In a journal entry on August 27th, not even two weeks into my stay, I mentioned that I was "already counting down the days."
I was wrong about a lot. Of course I was living in the city, so life was in many ways similar to my life here in the states. But I wasn't prepared to confront the organizational problems I knew existed in UBECI and wasn't sure I was ready to work there for 16 weeks. I felt pretty uncomfortable in Quito-- there were such frequent robberies, it was so dirty, people relieved themselves in the streets, men cat-called at me as I walked to work, whatever. I was spending a lot more money than I thought I would be. I was speaking so much English, and I really didn't want to be. Of course there were exceptions, but I did not feel very many strong connections to people.
On Fixing a Flaw...Painfully and By Accident
I can't possibly include or reflect on every great experience or every setback, but this one I deem important because of how much I discovered.
One of my biggest challenges in Ecuador, as ridiculous as this may sound, was peer pressure regarding alcohol. I'm not opposed as a general rule, and I'm not saying I never participated on my own volition. It just felt like there was nothing else to do, and for the first several weeks I was pretty sure I wouldn't have any friends if I didn't go out. It was embarrassing to be called lame or boring when I decided I didn't want to be at the clubs, so I just tagged along, and as such was throwing my money away for things I didn't care about in the least. Daily conversation on the bus or at lunch was about who was drunk last night, who made out with who, which alcohol gets the job done quicker. It was always the same. I was near people so often, yet I experienced a perpetual internal loneliness and nostalgia for old friends at home because I didn't understand why partying was the first thing on everyone's minds except for mine. I felt stupid for wanting to stay home and watch a movie with my host brother or cook a meal with my host mom and save my money for other things.
Ultimately, my issue with this peer pressure helped me understand and fix one of my greatest problems, in my opinion: I care (or, maybe, cared) so much about other people's perceptions of me. I had issues with this throughout middle school and high school, and I was severely aware of it, too, which meant that it affected me all the time. But once it started costing me upwards of $15 a night as well as pretty frequent tears of helplessness (sorry, I seriously don't mean for this to sound super dramatic), I finally figured out that I needed to stand up for myself. I needed to do what I wanted with my time and money. It's mine, not theirs. Not going out dancing one night doesn't make me a boring person or a loser, and I don't need to impress anybody.
I was able to begin rising above it all and ignoring people's comments about how I was "finally living a little! What a surprise!" when I did decide that I wanted to party. But above all, understanding the importance of living how I want to is helping me get over this self-conciousness in other aspects of life, like my physical appearance and my own world view, for example. It's refreshing-- impressing and pleasing people feels so much less important than it did even at the end of high school.
A Brief Reflection on the Outcome
So...simply put, I didn't love every minute. I knew I wouldn't, of course. But most everything else, I didn't know. I returned home maybe not as emotional as I did last summer, but certainly with a new independence, cultural sensitivity and a revamped set of values and priorities. I saw so much of Ecuador and learned unexpectedly from traveling within the country, too (like the bridge jumping in Baños epiphany I mentioned a few months ago, for example). Every little thing had a lesson hidden inside it, and I think I uncovered a lot of them.
I saw and worked with people in terrible situations who could just as well have been me. My desire to continue supporting global development has grown even stronger still.
I rediscovered the value I place in traveling. To truly understand the world, you must live in it, not just read about it. I will think about that as I live my life and save resources to do it. (Although I know there are many problems that must be addressed here, I am not ashamed of being an American citizen and I will not give up on changing my country's international reputation. I want to be a generous, sensitive, informed and proud U.S. "ambassador" many times in the future.)
I spent a lot of time thinking about home, which I didn't anticipate. I realize that I love my hometown more than I knew and that my friends here are more special than I ever could have imagined.
And, like I mentioned, I definitely solidified my stance in terms of substance "abuse." I came back to the United States more of a straightedge than I left because I don't want to need drugs and booze to enjoy life. And I don't care who knows it! I will shout it from the rooftops! ;) But, really, I will be going to college so much more confident in my beliefs, and I know that will help me focus on my personal goals there and in the long run. As juvenile and cheesy as it may seem, I learned very well that I don't need other people's approval to be who I want to be.
On The Present
In some ways, being home feels so normal. The only adjustment "issues" I've had are accidentally throwing toilet paper in the trash can and usually forgetting to put on my seatbelt. But sometimes it feels like I'm sleeping, and when I wake up again I'll be back in Quito. Obviously, the switch was abrupt; being there and not being there isn't a sliding scale. But arriving here and being thrown back into my "old" life so quickly has been only surreal and not overwhelming.
I have learned and gained more than I could have possibly hoped in the past four months--more than I can really articulate here--but certainly not in the areas of my life that I was anticipating when I left. I have heard so many people's stories--people from all different countries, classes, races and ages--and my curiosity is piqued and my eyes are truly open. It's such a wonderful feeling to realize how little you know.
I'm pretty sure that's my grand conclusion.
On the Reasons Behind It All
I decided to take a year off before college on my 8-hour flight home from Paraguay in the summer of 2009. I reflected on my experience there with an acquaintance of mine, Keah (who will probably never know that our conversation that day dramatically altered the course of my life), and basically explained that I had no idea it was possible to be so deeply affected by...anything. I told her that those 6 weeks in Paraguay had been by far the most difficult of my life; I so frequently had no idea what I was doing, had no idea what to say, and I was so ridiculously far out of my comfort zone that someone or something put me on the verge of tears nearly every day. But I connected with such emotional intensity to the community I worked in and I loved that I could feel that way while also making other people's lives a little better. I learned that, despite cultural barriers and differences, there is a sameness in all of us. I was aching for more. I knew I had acquired a very unique perspective on the world and had grown more in that month and a half than I had in my 17 years of life beforehand. When Keah said she couldn't wait to continue learning about the world but "maybe just not in a classroom," I was immediately sure that statement applied to me, too.
Keah introduced me to a powerful quote by Thoreau: "How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." After hearing those words and thinking about them for a while, I decided that I really wanted to see and feel things firsthand before I sat at a computer writing essays and making claims about topics that I didn't know intimately. I realized that I didn't have to go to college just because it was the next logical step. I chose the path less traveled. I was thirsty for the passion I had found in cross-cultural connection, in trying crazy new things, and in sharing my extremely good fortune with people who aren't necessarily blessed with it.
On Expectations
I chose to volunteer in Ecuador for much longer than I'd ever been away from home before, anticipating 4 months of real emotional investment on my part and serious cultural immersion. Selfishly, I chose a Spanish-speaking country in hopes of becoming truly fluent. I wanted to work with children, so I found a program that did so. Once my plans were confirmed, I looked forward to my trip with giddy anticipation. I left Paraguay with an empty feeling, in a way, and I was so thrilled to have the opportunity to fill my heart with that kind of passion for a second time. I was certainly not expecting the same things from Ecuador by any means, but was definitely expecting to feel extremely motivated and passionate about my work there. I was also expecting to meet and easily bond with people from other parts of the world that shared my values, and that excited me so much.
On Reality
But when have I ever made accurate conjectures about the future? Right. Never. So I get to Ecuador on August 14th and, yeah, I'm practicing my Spanish, within the first few days I've met people from 4 different continents, and have learned to (more or less) navigate a foreign city. The work was good. But the lifestyle that had been laid before me wasn't too engaging. In a journal entry on August 27th, not even two weeks into my stay, I mentioned that I was "already counting down the days."
I was wrong about a lot. Of course I was living in the city, so life was in many ways similar to my life here in the states. But I wasn't prepared to confront the organizational problems I knew existed in UBECI and wasn't sure I was ready to work there for 16 weeks. I felt pretty uncomfortable in Quito-- there were such frequent robberies, it was so dirty, people relieved themselves in the streets, men cat-called at me as I walked to work, whatever. I was spending a lot more money than I thought I would be. I was speaking so much English, and I really didn't want to be. Of course there were exceptions, but I did not feel very many strong connections to people.
On Fixing a Flaw...Painfully and By Accident
I can't possibly include or reflect on every great experience or every setback, but this one I deem important because of how much I discovered.
One of my biggest challenges in Ecuador, as ridiculous as this may sound, was peer pressure regarding alcohol. I'm not opposed as a general rule, and I'm not saying I never participated on my own volition. It just felt like there was nothing else to do, and for the first several weeks I was pretty sure I wouldn't have any friends if I didn't go out. It was embarrassing to be called lame or boring when I decided I didn't want to be at the clubs, so I just tagged along, and as such was throwing my money away for things I didn't care about in the least. Daily conversation on the bus or at lunch was about who was drunk last night, who made out with who, which alcohol gets the job done quicker. It was always the same. I was near people so often, yet I experienced a perpetual internal loneliness and nostalgia for old friends at home because I didn't understand why partying was the first thing on everyone's minds except for mine. I felt stupid for wanting to stay home and watch a movie with my host brother or cook a meal with my host mom and save my money for other things.
Ultimately, my issue with this peer pressure helped me understand and fix one of my greatest problems, in my opinion: I care (or, maybe, cared) so much about other people's perceptions of me. I had issues with this throughout middle school and high school, and I was severely aware of it, too, which meant that it affected me all the time. But once it started costing me upwards of $15 a night as well as pretty frequent tears of helplessness (sorry, I seriously don't mean for this to sound super dramatic), I finally figured out that I needed to stand up for myself. I needed to do what I wanted with my time and money. It's mine, not theirs. Not going out dancing one night doesn't make me a boring person or a loser, and I don't need to impress anybody.
I was able to begin rising above it all and ignoring people's comments about how I was "finally living a little! What a surprise!" when I did decide that I wanted to party. But above all, understanding the importance of living how I want to is helping me get over this self-conciousness in other aspects of life, like my physical appearance and my own world view, for example. It's refreshing-- impressing and pleasing people feels so much less important than it did even at the end of high school.
A Brief Reflection on the Outcome
So...simply put, I didn't love every minute. I knew I wouldn't, of course. But most everything else, I didn't know. I returned home maybe not as emotional as I did last summer, but certainly with a new independence, cultural sensitivity and a revamped set of values and priorities. I saw so much of Ecuador and learned unexpectedly from traveling within the country, too (like the bridge jumping in Baños epiphany I mentioned a few months ago, for example). Every little thing had a lesson hidden inside it, and I think I uncovered a lot of them.
I saw and worked with people in terrible situations who could just as well have been me. My desire to continue supporting global development has grown even stronger still.
I rediscovered the value I place in traveling. To truly understand the world, you must live in it, not just read about it. I will think about that as I live my life and save resources to do it. (Although I know there are many problems that must be addressed here, I am not ashamed of being an American citizen and I will not give up on changing my country's international reputation. I want to be a generous, sensitive, informed and proud U.S. "ambassador" many times in the future.)
I spent a lot of time thinking about home, which I didn't anticipate. I realize that I love my hometown more than I knew and that my friends here are more special than I ever could have imagined.
And, like I mentioned, I definitely solidified my stance in terms of substance "abuse." I came back to the United States more of a straightedge than I left because I don't want to need drugs and booze to enjoy life. And I don't care who knows it! I will shout it from the rooftops! ;) But, really, I will be going to college so much more confident in my beliefs, and I know that will help me focus on my personal goals there and in the long run. As juvenile and cheesy as it may seem, I learned very well that I don't need other people's approval to be who I want to be.
On The Present
In some ways, being home feels so normal. The only adjustment "issues" I've had are accidentally throwing toilet paper in the trash can and usually forgetting to put on my seatbelt. But sometimes it feels like I'm sleeping, and when I wake up again I'll be back in Quito. Obviously, the switch was abrupt; being there and not being there isn't a sliding scale. But arriving here and being thrown back into my "old" life so quickly has been only surreal and not overwhelming.
I have learned and gained more than I could have possibly hoped in the past four months--more than I can really articulate here--but certainly not in the areas of my life that I was anticipating when I left. I have heard so many people's stories--people from all different countries, classes, races and ages--and my curiosity is piqued and my eyes are truly open. It's such a wonderful feeling to realize how little you know.
I'm pretty sure that's my grand conclusion.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Some Truths
1. The jungle was really great. And REALLY hot.
2. I have no idea where my host mom is, I have not spoken to my host brothers all day-- it feels very awkward given the circumstances.
3. I am so, so excited to get back to the United States. I really miss a lot of things.
4. Today is really normal. I do not feel sad. I do not feel like I am leaving this place in less than 24 hours and possibly not returning for the rest of my life (you never know), but that is what´s happening.
All of this, to me, feels like a problem. Like I am ungrateful for the truly incredible experiences I´ve had here. But at this point, I´m not even looking back. I don´t really understand.
Adios, Ecuador...?!
2. I have no idea where my host mom is, I have not spoken to my host brothers all day-- it feels very awkward given the circumstances.
3. I am so, so excited to get back to the United States. I really miss a lot of things.
4. Today is really normal. I do not feel sad. I do not feel like I am leaving this place in less than 24 hours and possibly not returning for the rest of my life (you never know), but that is what´s happening.
All of this, to me, feels like a problem. Like I am ungrateful for the truly incredible experiences I´ve had here. But at this point, I´m not even looking back. I don´t really understand.
Adios, Ecuador...?!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Work and Travels - FOTOS y más!
Working chronologically: here are some long overdue photos of my last work week.
Danny and the kids at Villa Flora :).
Volunteers and kids being silly.
With my best friends ever, Carolina and Angelita.
And on Saturday night, Alex and I left for Cuenca. It´s much warmer, quieter, cleaner and prettier than Quito. There is architecture like this on every corner:
We hung around Sunday and Monday, and saw a billion different museums and churches. While Cuenca is beautiful, it is a little lacking in the activities department, but we still found ways to entertain ourselves (I swear I´m not talking about go-carts or going on a search for the tackiest decoration in Cuenca´s mall).
Alex left Monday night, leaving me all by my lonesome...my first time ever traveling alone! On Tuesday I decided to go to Ingapirca, an ancient ruins site of the Incas and Cañares. I chose the cheap, ghetto route-- aka turned a $40, 45-minute trip by taxi into a $4, 3-hour trip by several busses. I anticipated getting very lost, but, miraculously, I didn´t.
After a tour of the ruins, my guide asked me if I had some free time and would like to walk a little further to see "the face of the devil." I said of course, but as we walked I seriously considered the possibility of him wanting to rape me or something crazy. We did nearly get eaten by a dog on the way, but he actually did show me the face of the devil and it was pretty impressive! No violation involved.
Today I traveled to Cajas National Park, about a half-hour outside of Cuenca. There there are allegedly 232 lagoons. I only saw one, and did about an hour-long hike around it. It really was gorgeous and the weather was great.
One of the guys who works at the desk of my hostel actually drove me there this morning. Upon saying yes to his offer, I seriously considered the fact that I might die/be violated, but again, I survived without a scratch. So...the theme of the week is paranoia.
Although I am really excited to have seen Ingapirca and Cajas, I have learned that traveling with no one is a little depressing. When I woke up on Tuesday morning I barely wanted to get out of bed. I felt super alone--it was so not what I was expecting. Yesterday was the first time I had ever eaten at a restaurant alone, and it was such a strange feeling. I love the idea in theory of being able to decide everything on my own--where to go, when to go, when to eat, what to eat, etc.--but I think the negatives of not having travel buddies outweigh the positives for me, at least. But! It´s only 3 days and it´s been an interesting experience. I am pretty excited to go back to Quito...certainly a first!
Danny and the kids at Villa Flora :).
Volunteers and kids being silly.
With my best friends ever, Carolina and Angelita.
And on Saturday night, Alex and I left for Cuenca. It´s much warmer, quieter, cleaner and prettier than Quito. There is architecture like this on every corner:
We hung around Sunday and Monday, and saw a billion different museums and churches. While Cuenca is beautiful, it is a little lacking in the activities department, but we still found ways to entertain ourselves (I swear I´m not talking about go-carts or going on a search for the tackiest decoration in Cuenca´s mall).
Alex left Monday night, leaving me all by my lonesome...my first time ever traveling alone! On Tuesday I decided to go to Ingapirca, an ancient ruins site of the Incas and Cañares. I chose the cheap, ghetto route-- aka turned a $40, 45-minute trip by taxi into a $4, 3-hour trip by several busses. I anticipated getting very lost, but, miraculously, I didn´t.
After a tour of the ruins, my guide asked me if I had some free time and would like to walk a little further to see "the face of the devil." I said of course, but as we walked I seriously considered the possibility of him wanting to rape me or something crazy. We did nearly get eaten by a dog on the way, but he actually did show me the face of the devil and it was pretty impressive! No violation involved.
Today I traveled to Cajas National Park, about a half-hour outside of Cuenca. There there are allegedly 232 lagoons. I only saw one, and did about an hour-long hike around it. It really was gorgeous and the weather was great.
One of the guys who works at the desk of my hostel actually drove me there this morning. Upon saying yes to his offer, I seriously considered the fact that I might die/be violated, but again, I survived without a scratch. So...the theme of the week is paranoia.
Although I am really excited to have seen Ingapirca and Cajas, I have learned that traveling with no one is a little depressing. When I woke up on Tuesday morning I barely wanted to get out of bed. I felt super alone--it was so not what I was expecting. Yesterday was the first time I had ever eaten at a restaurant alone, and it was such a strange feeling. I love the idea in theory of being able to decide everything on my own--where to go, when to go, when to eat, what to eat, etc.--but I think the negatives of not having travel buddies outweigh the positives for me, at least. But! It´s only 3 days and it´s been an interesting experience. I am pretty excited to go back to Quito...certainly a first!
Friday, December 3, 2010
The End...But Not Really.
It´s December 3rd, my last day of work at UBECI, the date that has briefly crossed my mind almost every day since I arrived, and it feels like any other Friday. Tonight is my last night with my host family (other than the 15th, the day before my flight), and I have not begun packing and probably won´t really be spending much time with them. My Ecua-life has become so second nature that it seems like today could not possibly be happening. Leaving is like abandoning what I´ve created for myself here (or, probably better said, what has been created for me by outside forces). I can´t exactly fathom an end.
I´m not saying I can´t fathom it because I don´t want to leave. Truth: I want to be home so badly. The end just doesn´t feel real right now! But I guess that´s because it isn´t really here yet....
Tomorrow night I leave for my 11-day Ecua-adventure. On the itinerary: Cuenca, a smaller, more historical city in the south; some other stuff in the middle that will hopefully decide itself so that I don´t have to, and a 4-day excursion to Cuyabeno (the REAL jungle!).
Stay posted for pictures of my final work week and travels. :)
I´m not saying I can´t fathom it because I don´t want to leave. Truth: I want to be home so badly. The end just doesn´t feel real right now! But I guess that´s because it isn´t really here yet....
Tomorrow night I leave for my 11-day Ecua-adventure. On the itinerary: Cuenca, a smaller, more historical city in the south; some other stuff in the middle that will hopefully decide itself so that I don´t have to, and a 4-day excursion to Cuyabeno (the REAL jungle!).
Stay posted for pictures of my final work week and travels. :)
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